Because this page will take a while to load if you have an old fashioned connection (like I do) here's some jokes I wrote for the BBC that they didn't use. You can read them whilst the pics eke their way down your ancient tube.

They're pretty British though. So if you're not, you'll have to treat it as more of an eye test or comprehension exercise than a reason to laugh.

Scroll down for the pictures.

The Government has announced measures to deter benefit tourists coming to Britain from eastern europe. Benefit tourism. That's a strange reason to travel, isn't it? What are they going to do? Come here to have their picture taken next to a cold weather payment? Send a postcard back to Hungary of the Jobseeker's Allowance?

The speeches of Lady Thatcher are to be released as a boxed set of CDs. But with the widespread problem of people using their computers to copy the discs they will come with a warning attached: This Lady's Not For Burning.

Of course, Lady Thatcher very much like a CD. Virtually indestructable, soulless, and won't shut up even if you smear her with marmite, drop her on the floor and stamp on her. Still... fun to try, though.

Hundreds of people queued up in Scarborough to register with a new NHS dentist the other day. Rejoicing was cut short when they discovered she was just filling in.

The Royal family have taken on a new GP to look after their health, Dr Timothy Evans, who offers alternative therapies such as yoga and oriental medicine. Prince Phillip will love that, won't he? "If I drink any more of this Chinese herbal tea for my xenophobia my eyes'll go slitty."

PETER STRINGFELLOW was in hospital after smashing his shoulder in a fall at his Majorca villa. We're sure he'll cope. As manager of his club he's used to being the arse over tits.

Maggots are to be made available on prescription to treat wounds. They are a highly effective cure as they eat infected tissue. They will be issued in a child proof container to prevent the kids taking your medication to the park on a Sunday afternoon and using it to catch sticklebacks.

A computer system which matches criminal's ear prints to a national database has been developed. Burglars often leave ear prints at the scene of a crime when they press it against a window to see if anyone is in a room. Once the offending ears are taken into custody they can be held in cells overnight where quiet words will be spoken into them and, in the case of young offenders, they will be clipped by a jovial, fog shrouded, chubby officer.

Steve Thorburn, the man called the Metric Martyr after being prosecuted for selling fruit and vegetables by the pound, has died suddenly aged 39. He's now 1.83 metres under. Lord rest him.

As fears of a terrorist attack on London increase, Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir John Stevens has said "There is an inevitability that some sort of attack will get through but my job is to make sure that does not happen."

I don't think you've quite grasped the meaning of 'inevitability' there, sir. Indeed, being employed to "stop the inevitable" might be considered something of a fool's errand, up there alongside skyhooks and left handed screwdrivers.

Thousands of people have been banned from donating blood because of fears they may carry the human form of BSE. It's good that we live in more enlightened times where there's a bit of honesty about these dangers. The last thing anyone wants to see is John Gummer pushing a needle into his daughter's arm and forcing her to have a transfusion she doesn't need.

Astronomers are arguing whether the newly discovered Sedna is our solar system's tenth planet or a mere planetoid. It's all a question of size. Much the same discussion was had amongst astrologers when Russell Grant was discovered in the early 80s.

A cure for baldness accomplished successfully on mice may one day be available to humans. My mother always told me to shampoo my hair and then rinse it until it squeaked. Oh, how little she knew...

And I confess, I wasn't previously aware that baldness in mice was a problem. When I see a furry mouse in my kitchen my initial reaction is not to wonder who its trichologist is.

No, I prefer the traditional response, which is to hitch up my skirt, jump on a chair and scream loudly. A maneuver I call the 'Jordan's Night Out'.

In the war against terror, it seems, the first casualty is our civil liberties.

Swimmers at a council-run pool in Blackburn have been barred from doing backstroke during busy periods because it is too dangerous.

Can't they see that once we start changing our way of life, the terrorists have already won?

An AS-Level in Critical Thinking is becoming popular in schools. The course teaches kids to be able to distinguish between fact and opinion, find flaws in arguments and recognise other people's assumptions.

Sounds like a load of bollocks to me.

PREGNANT women are being recruited as Tesco wine-tasters after bosses found they have better senses of taste and smell. However there are teething problems that need to be resolved. Chiefly that pregnant women often demand wine made from a cocktail of chocolate, chili sauce and anchovies.

Tesco bosses are also having to tackle the thorny issue of employment law. After all, what do you call the opposite of maternity pay?

"I'm sorry boss, but I won't be able to work much this year. As you know, I've been with my husband for some time... and we've now decided not to have another baby."

The Royal College of Surgeons say trainees may have to hone their skills by practising operations on pigs and sheep. That's comforting, isn't it? They'll be fully prepared next time I break my snout or fracture a foreleg.

Paul Allen, the billionaire co-founder of Microsoft, is ploughing a slice of his fortune into the search for life on other planets.

Well, Paul - Why don't you "Take us to your leader" - Bill Gates: a small humanoid figure with large round eyes and a mission to dominate the earth using an army of machines.

Two performance artists are looking for a dead body to appear in their latest work. They have been canvassing hospitals and elsewhere for someone willing to allow their corpse to be used on stage when they pass on.

Of course, should the first dead body be too ill to perform on any given night, a
six-foot-understudy is also required.

I always felt that snooker player Stephen Hendry looked like Stan Laurel. What do you think?

I disliked him intensely because I used to have a crush on a girl who fancied him but singularly didn't fancy me. I mean, that's just insulting, isn't it?

I finally got over this and even found myself admring his snooker when I put a bet on him to win a tournament. But he lost. And I lost my bet. So, I'm back to hatred now.